uhhhhh

i'm really tired of this insecurity bullshit with my relationship! i know i shouldn't worry about it, but it still makes me nervous and i overthink the shit. i've done alot of work lately, so i'm a have phatttt booty check..other than that i havn't done much this thursday i'm hanging out with steph before she goes to the beach. i'm stoked on that, i havn't gotten to see her much cuz of work and all that jazz. hopefully i don't have this hectic of a schedule, i'm still training but i get to see my schedule for next week so i'll get a glimpse of what it'll actually be like! atleast my boss likes me, he's a cool dood. but seriously about the whole insecurity situation i wish i just had her to tell me were all okay, because behind the whole cheating i some how think it's my fault happen, like if i wasn't treating her good enough, i'm not good enough for her, that made her want to experiment with boys again orsomething, i'm just really confused ya know? is it not a natural feeling to be this insecure after getting cheated on, i mean i know alot of people would've ended it as soon as they got "the call" saying that she did that, but were all human you know i htink she deserves a second chance. Even though she's still going to drink which is beyond retarded, and kinda shows disrespect to me, i'll let it slide, i'm not the type who's going to ruin a girls fun and stuff cuz i don't approve of it. it's just i don't know if i cheated on my girlfriend cuz of drinking i think i'd want to stop drinking just becasue i wouldn't want that happening again, i mean she could say that it won't but she said that before it happen to ya know? so what makes me believe it, and just cause she's drunk doesn't make it any less of an excuse you still had the choise to be wrapped in someone else's arms and make out with some random fucking sceneager, i'm sure if it wasn't for dan coming in, it would've got worse, and that hurts to think deep down, that how you wanted to see me so fucking bad that night, but then i wasn't on your mind apparently if you could be doing that with another guy...so it's just a fucked up situation in general cuz if i was on your mind, i know you would have had the decensy to stop while you could have. theres just so many things that could've changed the outcome of that night, internally and externally, mayabe if your phone didn't die, i coudl've kept talking to you, maybe if you weren't to drink so much, it would'nt have gotten to that point..i just don't see how it all happened and it really is horrible to think of how it was. It's really hard to picture that everyday i think about it. I know this is why i have my insecurites but before this happened i thought we were perfect ya know? i didn't see anything wrong with us, now you give me a reason to beleive that i'm not good enough for you, and if thats how it really is, thats relaly messed up, you've through me through an emotional rollercoaster, and i know thats the typical thing for someone to say in a long term relationship but i think i have peope to vouch for me that i really have been. not to say that i havn't done anything in return that was against you, and for those things i still am truely sorry for all i've done to upset you, and i wish i could take them away. I still do love you with all my heart, and i always will, i miss how we were though. I mean the times when we used to hang out all the time, you always wanted to be with me, going to celebration station, the movies, eating everywhere, everything you did i did. i miss that. and now your starting to blame me for not seeing eachother enough and that i'm amounting to nothing..why is there not a reason to be scared, or not to be insecure..? i really wish someone would talk to me about this, and give me some opinion or some advice or something besides the typical fuck her, break up with her, cause it's not worth it, the price of love is far beyond anything, i have that, and i don't want to loose that and you must understand that. I'm really determined to keep what i have, i always havea long fight for what i want and i won't stop till i get it usually. Now stephanie i love you more than anything and you know that. i just wish you'd explain to me why it happened, you tell me that you don't know why it happen, but thats simply not a good enough answer, i want answers to ease my mind so i know the real truth, I don't want to be haunted by the thought of you with another guy when i'm with you again, i can't take that bullshit, you humiliated yourself more than us. you were just another number to that guy, and i know you feel like a slut for it and i would too cuz i mean he's just one of those dudes that are out for one thing, and i'm telling you, and you didn't beleive me. but whatever i know you feel like shit about being another number so i won't rub that in, you humiliated us. one because they think that i'm not good enough for you cuz if you can do that, then it's kinda true ya know? i wonder how long i'll have these thoughts of you in my head stephanie, i wonder how long it'll make me insecure. i wonder how you'll solve this, thats for you to decide but you act like nothings wrong now..which also shows that your not very sorry for what you did, but you said i acted the same about the whole melissa thing...which is true. it just hurts i dont know. the further into a relationship you decide to do this shit, the worst it is. you've really ruined alot i just don't show it to you, or want you to know. i've just been really blah lately about all this shit, and i don't have anyone really to turn to cuz i don't have that one trustful friend that won't say shit to no one, and posting on here is all i got. i will be taking off my link on myspace so no one besides people that follow me can read this, cuz i know that they won't tell anyone, cuz one they don't care how i feel, or how my thoughts are. so i won't have to worry about that...i think this was my longest post yet, and my most emotional one, so i'm sorry if you read this and if you read it all congrats for showing that you care some what or you're just nosey and read it all to get the scoop on something you didn't need to know about.
love you all!!