Its really nice

to see someone is a true friend no matter how close or far apart the relationship might be...
thanks sammy.

Another thought..

So two days, two girls decided to come into my work, and of course they got there sandwhich i made it for them, but they were dressed diffrently, in a business suit, so showing "good customer service" i proceeded to ask, "why the fancy uniform?" now those words might have not been the best choise but they told me, were from the church of scientology, and being who i am i'm very intrigued by new things and learning about things that i'm unfamiliar about, so i asked my questions as in whats it about, and what do you beleive in. I sat down with them, and i had the first real conversation with those two then i have had in awhile, I really havn't talked to alot of people about something that actually intrested me in awhile, so i was there for like an hour sitting at a table learning and, became fasinated by what they were saying, about this fairly new, and highly rising religion, now don't get it screwed up this post isn't about me turning into a scientologist and stuff. It was nice to see a religion where it wasn't about one person, it wasn't about beleiving in one God, and it wasn't about going to heaven or hell, it was a religion on making yourself better, a religion that will accept what you want to do to show that you are what you are, and it's a religion where it answers those many questions that you may have mainly in your adolecsent age, such as who am i? what am i here for? etc. These two girls described to me something that blew me away, they told me to close my eyes, and picture a cat, or anything, so i did i closed my eyes, and pictured my old cat lakai. I opened my eyes shortly after to see them staring at me, they asked me to ask myself who saw that if your eyes are closed, i know that you have a photographic memory and all but, your eyes are closed, they beleive that man has a spirit within which is judged upon death. The whole closed eyes thing really did blow me away becasue i never thought of it like that, like who really is seeing that, casue my eyes are closed, and i am picturing that. Now as weird as it may seem, it would be ten times more comforting to have a spirit within me, knowing that there is one within me. It would give me alot of relief to know that something is there for me, and watching over me, not watching over me, but being there throughout my life, not that he/it is writing a documentary about it. It's just really facinating to take in at once for me. Now, i don't believe in scientology but i must say it's more respectable religion then some, It sure isn't Christainity, or Catholic kind of thing, but i think thats what the world needed, a religion to turn to for the open minded, a thing for those questions that you have, it's really intresting becasue with a bible or torah or anything else, it will not answer those questions for you it will just tell you to follow his law, and you were put on here for a reason, he does not mention what that reason, but i guess the excitement is finding out what your here for. For some that isn't enough, they want to know the answers while there here on earth, and not finally realizing it on there death bed. They gave me a car filled with information about what they're about and where churches and stuff were, I do one day want to take a trip to this place they were talking about where you just walk in and watch movies and read scriptures and stuff about it. Now for some it might sound gay but i think it'd be really cool thing to do. So maybe when i get a car i'll take a trip down there by myself, who knows. That really did change my perspective on that subject because what people made it seem was a totally diffrent thing. It's respectable in it's own ways. Its inspiring in a way too.
Much love.

simplicity

I really admire the simplicity in some peoples lives, like the whole routine thing. sure it could get plain and boring, but i really admire the people who have like content lives and stuff just cause they do what they want, wake up and have a good day everyday.

real world..

lately i've really felt like i'm in the real world, i've got a job, sure it's not the best ya know cuz i don't go to school or whatever, i'm getting paid so fuck you i'm amounting more than you've thought i bet, and for all those people that tell stephanie that, all your going to do is take care of him cuz he dropped out of school, i think thats cute how you want to break us up and all, but i mean you act like cuz i dropped out of highschool thats the end of it..NO, i'm getting my ged, and i'm going to cp to get a associates degree in something, then hopefully transfering, just consider my time off, time to prepare for whats to come, i will now have money to get a car, have money to pay for college, have money to have fun. i'm just really tired of people trying to bring me down just cuz i dropped out, even the closest of close of my friends and family are dissapointed, but i promise that i won't let my self fall into that statistic. but back to the real world subject, it feels really nice actully to havea decent sleep schedule, a set of friends, a wonderful girlfriend...kinda crazy feeling. like this is what it's gonna be like? i still skate on my days off, i still see my friends, i work alot but i mean it all come to money so thats good. i'm feeling like i'm actully growing up, and taking responsibilities. i just can't wait to get my car. i'm sorry for those people who seriously have nothing better to talk about then me and stephanie and how she's gonna take care of me, like why would that even cross your mind. kinda dumb, it's funny. Well i also am discouraged about pretty much all the "dead peckers", they all had talent in skating and they decide to drink or party or do dumb stuff. but i mean its whatever it's there lives, i'm not talking about marcel he still skates and rips it. and jordan goes to school, but apparently the rest of them have "to much stress" from work or whatever gay excuse they can come up with to drop a drink or two to make them feel good for the night. we all know i'm totally against drinking, so ill just stop the lecture stuff. Just live life how you want its yours but this is mine, and i'm going to make the most out of it, and i'd really hope that you don't have to worry about what i do, and talk about what i'm going to or not going to do. i've really lost quite alot of friends, well not really lost, i just don't seem to care to talk to them anymore, it's not like they helped me out ya know, so sorry for those texts that i haven't answered, or those myspace comments i don't reply too, i just care for my close friends and thats all i need.
much love intended!

whhhhat?

i'm paid!

uhhhhh

i'm really tired of this insecurity bullshit with my relationship! i know i shouldn't worry about it, but it still makes me nervous and i overthink the shit. i've done alot of work lately, so i'm a have phatttt booty check..other than that i havn't done much this thursday i'm hanging out with steph before she goes to the beach. i'm stoked on that, i havn't gotten to see her much cuz of work and all that jazz. hopefully i don't have this hectic of a schedule, i'm still training but i get to see my schedule for next week so i'll get a glimpse of what it'll actually be like! atleast my boss likes me, he's a cool dood. but seriously about the whole insecurity situation i wish i just had her to tell me were all okay, because behind the whole cheating i some how think it's my fault happen, like if i wasn't treating her good enough, i'm not good enough for her, that made her want to experiment with boys again orsomething, i'm just really confused ya know? is it not a natural feeling to be this insecure after getting cheated on, i mean i know alot of people would've ended it as soon as they got "the call" saying that she did that, but were all human you know i htink she deserves a second chance. Even though she's still going to drink which is beyond retarded, and kinda shows disrespect to me, i'll let it slide, i'm not the type who's going to ruin a girls fun and stuff cuz i don't approve of it. it's just i don't know if i cheated on my girlfriend cuz of drinking i think i'd want to stop drinking just becasue i wouldn't want that happening again, i mean she could say that it won't but she said that before it happen to ya know? so what makes me believe it, and just cause she's drunk doesn't make it any less of an excuse you still had the choise to be wrapped in someone else's arms and make out with some random fucking sceneager, i'm sure if it wasn't for dan coming in, it would've got worse, and that hurts to think deep down, that how you wanted to see me so fucking bad that night, but then i wasn't on your mind apparently if you could be doing that with another guy...so it's just a fucked up situation in general cuz if i was on your mind, i know you would have had the decensy to stop while you could have. theres just so many things that could've changed the outcome of that night, internally and externally, mayabe if your phone didn't die, i coudl've kept talking to you, maybe if you weren't to drink so much, it would'nt have gotten to that point..i just don't see how it all happened and it really is horrible to think of how it was. It's really hard to picture that everyday i think about it. I know this is why i have my insecurites but before this happened i thought we were perfect ya know? i didn't see anything wrong with us, now you give me a reason to beleive that i'm not good enough for you, and if thats how it really is, thats relaly messed up, you've through me through an emotional rollercoaster, and i know thats the typical thing for someone to say in a long term relationship but i think i have peope to vouch for me that i really have been. not to say that i havn't done anything in return that was against you, and for those things i still am truely sorry for all i've done to upset you, and i wish i could take them away. I still do love you with all my heart, and i always will, i miss how we were though. I mean the times when we used to hang out all the time, you always wanted to be with me, going to celebration station, the movies, eating everywhere, everything you did i did. i miss that. and now your starting to blame me for not seeing eachother enough and that i'm amounting to nothing..why is there not a reason to be scared, or not to be insecure..? i really wish someone would talk to me about this, and give me some opinion or some advice or something besides the typical fuck her, break up with her, cause it's not worth it, the price of love is far beyond anything, i have that, and i don't want to loose that and you must understand that. I'm really determined to keep what i have, i always havea long fight for what i want and i won't stop till i get it usually. Now stephanie i love you more than anything and you know that. i just wish you'd explain to me why it happened, you tell me that you don't know why it happen, but thats simply not a good enough answer, i want answers to ease my mind so i know the real truth, I don't want to be haunted by the thought of you with another guy when i'm with you again, i can't take that bullshit, you humiliated yourself more than us. you were just another number to that guy, and i know you feel like a slut for it and i would too cuz i mean he's just one of those dudes that are out for one thing, and i'm telling you, and you didn't beleive me. but whatever i know you feel like shit about being another number so i won't rub that in, you humiliated us. one because they think that i'm not good enough for you cuz if you can do that, then it's kinda true ya know? i wonder how long i'll have these thoughts of you in my head stephanie, i wonder how long it'll make me insecure. i wonder how you'll solve this, thats for you to decide but you act like nothings wrong now..which also shows that your not very sorry for what you did, but you said i acted the same about the whole melissa thing...which is true. it just hurts i dont know. the further into a relationship you decide to do this shit, the worst it is. you've really ruined alot i just don't show it to you, or want you to know. i've just been really blah lately about all this shit, and i don't have anyone really to turn to cuz i don't have that one trustful friend that won't say shit to no one, and posting on here is all i got. i will be taking off my link on myspace so no one besides people that follow me can read this, cuz i know that they won't tell anyone, cuz one they don't care how i feel, or how my thoughts are. so i won't have to worry about that...i think this was my longest post yet, and my most emotional one, so i'm sorry if you read this and if you read it all congrats for showing that you care some what or you're just nosey and read it all to get the scoop on something you didn't need to know about.
love you all!!